and then there was anxiety.

i never knew i had anxiety- until i got a dog.

this isn't just any dog though- this is my great dane/bull mastiff "puppy" - named ava.

she's almost two. but has been in the 'terrible two' stage for almost a year.
 i love her, a lot, i really do.
but boyyyy does she give me anxiety. my precious mother, whom i love more than anything and i take after in every way,

is babysitting her grand-pup this weekend for me.

that's how much i needed a break from this thing.

before i go any further... here she is...

now let me just tell you how i got ava...

 i was doing my internship through the social work program at western carolina university
and i got the opportunity to work with this little inspiration...

he was one of the most loving children i have ever had the pleasure of knowing and he taught me a lot about life.
well... his family and i grew very close and they got to know just how much i loved great danes. it just so happened that this little boys aunt breeds great danes!!
hello irony!
when the time came for me to graduate and move on in my life... i was GIVEN my ava as a gift from this little boy's family.

talk about the sweetest thing EVER.

so... ava grew. and she grew. and she grew.

and now she almost out-weighs me. i had this idea in my head when i got her that she would just grow up to be this lazy, easy going, and loving giant. well she is (sometimes) but definitely not as much as i expected. 
THIS is more along the lines of what she does... it's just lovely.

in november of 2011 was when things took a turn for the worse and i developed this INSANE anxiety 

over every little thing that has to do with ava. 

it all started with my parent's female dog attacking her out of nowhere.

the vet said something about territorial females (bishes) and ava running free (basically owning) their yard.

whatever the reason for it... ava is now on the defense ALL OF THE TIME!

it doesn't help that she thinks she's the size of a chihuahua.

i can no longer take her to the dog park or to walk the lake (our favorite past times) because she is so scared of everyone and everything... THAT turns out to make her aggressive

 and THAT in turn, gives me anxiety. like really bad anxiety.

not to mention she refuses to get into my car. that's another whole issue in itself.

it's now to the point where i can no longer handle her. she's too big and too stubborn for me to do anything with her, which just makes it worse on both of us.

she is now having to stay inside my apartment all day while i'm at work.

i don't crate her or anything so she's not technically "locked up."

-keep that in mind that's probably why my couch is torn to pieces.

let me just make sure everyone knows. i love this dog. she is my baby.

BUT i need some sort of help. i either need to find her another loving home

with a great family that is going to give her the training, yard, and attention that she needs and deserves.

or i need to find another place to live (reasonably priced) with a fenced in yard and find a gracious dog trainer to come and help me with her.

all of the trainers i have found simply are not in the area

or cost wayyy to much for my social worker's salary.

i had a woman tell me that it would be $150 for a consultation and doggie evaluation.

um no thanks.

ugh, so now you know why i have anxiety.
i'm getting anxious just sitting here thinking about the anxiety that she gives me.
i'm ridiculous.
please pray for ava and i. pray that i find the answer i need and some much needed peace about the whole situation.

or at least some good anxiety meds.

until then, here are some more ava snap shots...

doggie out.