we've all been through some tough things in our time, and we've all made some very hard, life changing decisions to get us where we are today. this weekend i made quite possibly THE hardest decision i have ever made, and i mean ever.
i know this is long, but bear with me...
i decided late friday night that i wasn't going to keep my ava after saturday.
i was supposed to be meeting with her trainer, stephanie, saturday afternoon at my parent's house and after going over what stephanie taught her i was going to be bringing her home with me to waynesville.
after keeping up with stephanie all week and praying extremely hard about it everyday, i came to realize a few things...
-ava was still refusing to get in the car- even after being worked with for a week. she just doesn't like the whole idea of jumping into something.
-i don't have a yard, and i can't afford any of the houses around here to provide that yard. so i would ultimately have to take ava somewhere everyday for her daily dose of exercise. if i can't get her in the car how in the world am i going to manage that?
-i have a million and one things coming up, including my best friend's wedding in april. and i would have to figure out what to do with ava all of the weekends that i have major unbreakable plans. my mom already told me they're to the point where they can't watch her all of the time. this is also where the problem with ava not getting in the car comes in.
-i'm a freak over storms. no really, i freak the heck out, and friday night was terrifying with the outbreak of tornadoes all around us. after jumping in my car and zooming over to my best friend's house (really to her basement), i realized i wouldn't have been able to do that if i had ava. first of all because she wouldn't have gotten in my car. secondly, because she doesn't get along with the other dogs at my friend's house.
-i work 40 hours a week. granted, i do have the ability to leave work and run home on my lunch break ... so i have always been able to let ava out for a few minutes every day. but she was still sitting at home alone, all day, every day. and inside nonetheless. this hurt my heart so much that after work i was feeling guilty for even going to the grocery store or to the gym because it meant i was gone longer.
-because i was feeling guilty for going anywhere, i was ultimately isolating myself from other people. i didn't want to leave her alone any more than i absolutely had to.
-ava still needed training. stephanie is an angel, and i'm serious. she is the BEST person to work with your dog (contact me for her services by the way- she's incredible). but ava needed someone to keep working with her and continue the training that stephanie initiated.
-ava also needs a stern voice and someone authoritative in her life. that i am not. i'm a wussy and couldn't yell at her if i tried. my authoritative voice sounds more like a 4 year old yelling at her dolls.
-i had already made it 2 weeks in my apartment without ava. if i was going to find her another home, now would be the time. i also hated the idea of bringing her home and it not working out, only to have to say goodbye to her again. hello heartbreak.
before we go any further... let me tell you about the welch family. the welches had contacted me after hearing about ava through a mutual friend, kaleena. they called me the day before ava left to go get trained by stephanie. i told them all about ava's behaviors and her needs and explained that i wanted to put the effort into getting her trained before i made any other decision. she needed the rehabilitative training regardless, and i needed to know that i wasn't just giving up on her. i told them to keep me in mind and i would be calling them if i decided not to keep her. after much thought and much prayer, i decided to call the welch family on friday just to see if they were still interested. i had it set in my heart that God would lead me to make the right choice and i would know if it was supposed to work out this way. i spoke with karen about ava and about all of my realizations that i had come to throughout this process. she said that she was still very interested and at least wanted to give things a try. instead of stephanie meeting me at my parent's, we planned to meet at the welch's home and have our training session there. that way stephanie could help me make a decision and she could in turn train ava to be comfortable there.
the next day we met at the welch's beautiful home in franklin. they live in a great community and only 2 miles from my sister's home. they have almost 8 acres of farmland tucked away from any main roads, with a huge fenced in yard behind their home- huge plus.
at first stephanie and i were both skeptical, mainly because the welchs have 2 small female yappy dogs. ava hates small dogs, ava hates yappy dogs, ava hates other female dogs. i was a nervous wreck to say the least. stephanie, however, was extremely confident and comfortable. she handled ava the whole time and kept her calm while the two little dogs ran outside and greeted her. ava was a completely different dog at this point. first of all, i have never seen her greet any human without jumping- she doesn't jump anymore. secondly, she has never greeted a dog that she doesn't like as calmly as she did. stephanie worked wonders on ava.
i was having such a hard time making my decision and i had a million things running through my head, i explained that i needed a minute to really think about things and take it all in. everyone but myself, stephanie, ava, and mr. welch went inside. we sat outside and talked about everything. i expressed my concerns and how hard it was for me to actually give ava to someone else. mr. welch was very comforting. he retired from the military and was also a retired police officer. he even trained his own K9 while he was on the force and he knows dogs, especially big dogs. he took up with ava like no other and she in turn fell in love with him. she leaned up against him the entire time we were talking. he assured me that ava would be fine and that she would get more than the attention she deserves. however, he told me to walk inside before i thought any further and meet harley...
harley is their 6 year old, male great dane. i think this is what really made my mind up. harley was incredible! he is much bigger than ava but quite possibly the sweetest giant i have ever met, and gorgeous at that! the welchs were looking for a companion for this gentle giant and they saw this in my ava. they were wanting a younger great dane to train along with harley to go on hikes and long walks.
this prompted me to allow stephanie to take ava inside and really get a feel for all of the family members and all of the dogs in their own environment.
at this point i got in my car and cried. stephanie and mr welch walked ava inside the home. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i'm telling ya, i don't know what i would have done without stephanie there to help me. i stayed out there by myself until the welch's daughter, who is my age, came out to talk. we at that point realized we had went to school together and got to talking about pretty much everything. one thing she said to me that really hit home was that she understood how much i loved ava, she could see it. but she also said that she saw the way her dad looked at ava and knew that he had already fallen for her himself. he needed ava. not only to keep him occupied but to give a stay at home, retired military father, a new project. she assured me again that everything would be fine and all of the dogs would get used to each other.
it was at that point that stephanie came walking outside, without ava, smiling from ear to ear. she was beyond excited. she said that after 45 minutes of introductions ava was laying on their living room floor with her new best friend and boyfriend harley. the small dogs were running around nipping at her feet and she just layed there. she was happy. she was home.
we talked by ourselves for a few minutes and agreed that this was it. ava had found her new home. they could provide everything that i could not. ava would gain a family of humans and a family of dogs. she even had room to run and play whenever she wanted. i made the decision to leave her there. i also made the decision that i couldn't, and wouldn't, go inside to say bye. i just couldn't bring myself to do it.
stephanie, my God sent, took everything inside for ava and checked once again to make sure it was the right place for her. she came out and all she said to me was "it's the perfect fit." that was it.
mr and mrs welch came outside and hugged me. they thanked me for giving them a new baby and they told me that i could come at any time and check on her. i could call as much as i wanted. and they would update me with pictures and stories.
{cue endless tears.}
stephanie deserved wayyy more than what i was able to pay her at that point. i could not have done this without her. 2 weeks ago i was dealing with an unmanageable giant dog who was suffering from loneliness and severe anxiety, as was i. stephanie got ava to the point in her life where she was happy and she could handle finding a place to stay happy. the timing of this was perfect. i was given time by myself to process the decision, see if i could handle living in my apartment without ava, and not have to give her away abruptly. i was slowly able to make this decision. i was also able to have stephanie transition ava into her new home. i didn't have to do it myself. i think i would have had a panic attack had i been put in the position to do it alone. stephanie was also very comfortable with ava staying with the welchs, which in turn made me comfortable.
i pulled out of the welch family's driveway and of course had a complete and utter break down. i'm talking
shaking, sobbing, good bye makeup, solid tears. i had just given away my baby. my baby that i have had since she was 6 weeks old. i spoiled that baby for almost 2 years. i was a nervous wreck. it's a good thing my sister lives right down the road from the welch family because i dont think i could have driven any further. my mom was even there waiting to hear how it went. i walked right in their front door and lost it all over again. her two oldest girls, lexi and layla, came up and wrapped their arms around me. they didn't know why i was crying and they didn't care. they just knew their aunt julia was upset. i'm here to tell you, there is something beyond therapeutic about the embrace of a loving child. their hugs were just what i needed.
my mom, sister, and i sat in the living room and i told them the story. of course i was still crying. i don't see how we can produce so many tears, but i could have filled a pool up that day. all i could hear was "you made the right decision", "i'm so proud of you", "ava has more family than she knows what to do with now", "you're going to be okay", and even "you saved her life." and they were right. ava would have been miserable with me. i couldn't give her anything close to what she's getting with the welch family. she would have been right back to feeling alone and not getting any socializing that she truly deserves.
i called mrs welch yesterday just to check in on things and was overjoyed with the things she told me. she said that harley and ava slept side by side, on each other's beds, in the dining room all night. they were outside running through the yard playing while we spoke. she really helped me feel like i made the right choice and encouraged me to call or come by any time i wanted to help me feel better about things.
then last night i got a phone call from stephanie. she said she wanted to give me some time to process things (mainly just time to cry my eyes out- which i did) before she called to check in. she told me how proud of me she was for making this decision. she said that she truly thought i made the right choice. she re-iterated the fact that ava now has a great human family and a great dog family. she knew just the right things to say to make me feel like i truly did make the right decision. when i say that stephanie helped me, i mean it. i never could have gotten to this point without her and i know that without her help ava never would have been as happy as she is now. the woman gave her puppy massages to get the stress knots out of her back- what dog wouldn't love that??
and now... i'm planning a vacation. one that i haven't had in the 2 years since i started my big girl job, all because i didn't know what to do with ava. i'm also going to go to the gym, every day, and not feel guilty about it. i'm going to get my happy, stress free self back- all while knowing ava is happier than ever. i'm going to go home more often and spend as much time with my family as possible without worrying about loading ava into the car and figuring out what to do with her. and i'm going to open myself up to more relationships.
i love ava and i always will. she means the world to me. she will forever be my first baby and i will continue to miss her every day. but i know now that i made a self-less decision that was for the best.
if you made it to the end of reading this, thank you for staying, and i'm sorry i rambled. i'm going to go get more tissues now.
