breaking down.

i can't hold it in anymore. i just can't.

i am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.

i have tried so hard to stay positive post tonsillectomy surgery.

and i must say i think i've done pretty darn good considering.

but it's finally breaking me down.

coming back to work has been so much harder than i would have expected.

i mean i knew i would have a lot to catch up on, but i didn't know how hard it would be to actually do it once i was back. 

i'm so tired, still in so much pain, and still having such a hard time talking...

that it's making any productivity seem completely unheard of.

my weekend was good and it was something i needed terribly.
but i realize that i was able to do so much...
because i wasn't on a time frame, i wasn't being pushed to get anything done,
and i wasn't overwhelmed by anything.
i was just able to do what i wanted and at my own pace.

i guess going into this i didn't realize how long the recovery would take.

everyone kept saying "you'll be fine", "it will be over in no time", "you're going to feel SO much better", 

"you get to eat all the ice cream you want."

and yeah, most of that is true.

what they didn't tell me was...

you're going to feel SO much worse for a while, you're going to get to the point where you're uncomfortable in your own skin, 

you're going to have ridiculous cabin fever, you're going to hurt and hurt a LOT, you're going to hate that you can't eat what everyone else is, you're going to get sick of people asking how you are because you really aren't feeling up to explaining anything,

and you're going to eventually break down because you just want to feel good again.

and now that i am on day 11 it's fully hit me how not myself i've been. 

yeah i may have lost a few pounds. 

yeah my head feels a LOT better now.

yeah i know i won't be getting sick nearly as often.

yeah i know this is a routine surgery (and i'm probably being a cry baby).

but i am to the point where crying and sleeping is all i want to do.

because that's truly all i can do at this point.

i need a break from my break.

weird sounding, but it's true.

i know this wasn't your typical julia post.

but i'm not going to apologize for it.

i'm just going to go to bed...

because i needed to get this out in some way.

i also know that by tomorrow i may be feeling better
and this is just a hump i need to get over.
but today, today isn't so good.