this thing that for 25 years now i have struggled with. i have let it define who i am and i have let every ounce of my being be repeatedly beat down by it. i have let one person, whom i have never even formally met, completely control who i am. i grew up telling myself that i was unworthy of great love because i was so unwanted by one man that never even let himself get to know me.
i don't want to go into details on this one man. if you have ever experienced growing up without one, or maybe both, biological parents then you get it. it's not at all unusual and it happens more and more frequently these days. but those facts and statistics don't make it any easier.
i have learned over the years how to forgive. i have learned how to put my feelings of being unworthy of love to the side. i have grown to love myself and i have leaned on the people in my life that have shown me love my entire life no matter what: GOD, my mother, sister, step- father, brother, etc. they are my family and my strong hold. they are the ones that have never left my side and have loved me at my lowest point.
i am still unsure of a lot of things. i don't know what i want, if anything, from this man. however, i am opening a door of communication as an adult with him. a person that could quite possibly hurt me more than anyone i know. this is because he has the ability to, and because he already has. but i want acknowledgement. i want peace. i want some sort of closure.
i don't know why i am sharing this with the world, but i find that writing down my current emotions and struggles really helps me process things. this ol' blog of mine has become one amazing outlet.
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Praying for you Julie! I can't even imagine the emotions associated with this but I can tell you that even though there is this one man that you've never met who you've never received love from, there are A LOT of people that you have never met who do LOVE YOU!! (I'm one of them if that wasn't clear!)
ReplyDeleteI hope that this process brings you peace and I will be praying for you! xoxo
I am praying with you and for you sweet girl. I have also had one man and one woman in my life but no nurturing, guidance, help or acceptance from these two people. I always prayed for my own independence and for the Lord to guide me in my path in life, and he welcomed me into a new family - my in-laws and my darling husband and has given me a second chance to know REAL family.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and prayers x
I'm praying for you darling! Love you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this. I had a hard time trusting/forgiving people (even my own self at times) because of situations with my dad. I've blogged about it & let me tell you - it helped me SO much. It helped for me to get things off of my chest. It helped me become more at ease. I know that it was never my fault now. It's not easy, but know that WE are so worth any kind of love!
ReplyDeleteAww girl! this is so well written and so tough. Thinking of you. Hope you remember how strong and beautiful of a person you are, with or without him in your life.
ReplyDeletelove you girl and thinking of you. You're amazing for writing this
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
oh Julia I am thinking of you. you are brace and strong to put this out there and I know other will see this and be thankful that you did. you are such a beautiful person inside and out and can handle anything.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Julia, you are SO brave and so incredible and what a huge loss for him if he doesn't see that or realize that! Thank you for sharing a part of who you are, it's always the most freeing and healing when you do, don't you think? I'm so proud of you for writing this and for being who you are today!!! Seriously I just love you. So many hugs to you right now girly <3
ReplyDeletexo
You are so brave for writing about this. Andrew's father left him and his siblings when they were very young. When his brother showed up at his office a few years back to confront him, the receptionist came back and told him his father said, "I have no son." I see the pain they've gone through. Always hold your mother and sister tight. They're the only ones you really need. I wish you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThinking about you girl! You do what feels right for you and no one else!!
ReplyDeleteOh I just love you. You should read my post today. It will give you some comfort :)
ReplyDeleteWishing you only the best.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much. I hate that you've had to endure this but the person you are now because of this struggle is an amazing, kind, spunky, fun person that has overcome something and become better because of it. I know this pain in a different way and it makes me think about being a bigger person and just letting it go. We are all here to support you along the way!
ReplyDeleteYou're so brave and so wonderful, friend. Evening thinking about opening up that door demonstrates your strength and compassion. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I LOVE that Sara B song!
Praying for you - I know God will bring you peace whichever way this works out.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and for posting such an honest open post.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you find strength and that this works out for you x x x
Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable in this space. I grew up without that man in my life as well. So I Understand your feelings all too well. I've chosen not to have a relationship with him as an adult. I hope whatever you choose...it is healing for you. Hugs!
ReplyDeletethank you for your brave post sweet girl! i agree that writing things down does help a lot. i pray for your strength and i hope you know youve already taken huge steps toward healing! hugs your way! xox
ReplyDeleteI love you, and I love your openness, and I love your honestly. Sometimes we are let down by those who we are supposed to trust the most, those who hold our whole hearts.
ReplyDeletePlease realize that those who leave us are the ones who are unworthy, or unlovable.
Who ever that one man is, he made a huge mistake by not making you apart of his life, yet his absence shaped you in to the beautiful, and amazing girl that you are today.
People enter, and leave our lives for a reason. Don't live your life wondering why he wasn't there, live your life thanking whatever force it was that removed him from your life, and made it that way for the better in you.
love you so much sweet friend, and I hope you are having a TERRRIFIC vacation!
xo